Often times, a lot of people give advice on how to raise a child and how to discipline a child. I get told quite frequently from people who are complete strangers, on what I doing wrong with my son. What most people don't realize, is my son is a very special person. What may work for your child...or for any normal child, does not work with Hunter. I have been told to put him in time-out, put him in a corner, put him in his room...none of these, and I mean NONE of these things work for Hunter. I can do them until I am blue in the face and it doesn't do any good. Until you have had a child with PDD, ADHD and SID, you have NO IDEA what it is like. You have NO IDEA just HOW hard each and every day is. You have NO IDEA of the FIGHT one parent has to go through to get the help their child needs. And, you have NO RIGHT to judge me for putting my child on a medication that DOES in fact help him...ten-fold. Those who have been around Hunter when his medicine wears off, and have actually seen the POSITIVE DIFFERENCE Ritalin makes in him, know exactly what I am saying.
With that being said, I will move on to the reason behind my post. Bed time is a particularly difficult time for him. Most nights, his body is ready to shut off, but his mind/brain won't. His mind/brain is racing. To give you a short example of this, his mind/brain wants him to run, jump, play, throw things, be outside. However, his tiny body is tired and just wants to go to bed. When I look into my sweet Hunter's BIG beautiful blue eyes, I see this and it breaks my heart. I can see how completely frustrated he is and there isn't a darn thing he can do about it. Because of this, I have made his night-time/bed-time routine pretty strict.
~6:00pm - Dinner
~6:30pm - Bath time
~6:45pm - Quiet time
~7:00pm - We go down to his room and I play trucks for him to help his mind unwind.
~7:05pm - I tuck him in his bed, read him a story or two.
~7:15pm - Make sure he is "snug as a bug in a rug" (a little thing I have done since he was a baby), turn the light out and lay down with him, sing a few songs to help his mind relax.
~7:30pm - I tell him it is time for him to go to sleep and I get up, tuck him in a gain, tell him I love him and to have a good nights sleep and give him a kiss goodnight. I leave the room.
This is our routine each and every night. Some nights we get a little of schedule, but everything in the routine goes in the same order.
Last night was an extremely rough night. Nothing went as planned. Bath-time was a joke. Water everywhere in my bathroom. I slipped on the water and feel on the hard tile and used my arm to break the fall...surprised I didn't break it. Everything fell apart after this. I couldn't get either child to cooperate and I was losing my patience...my cool. By the time it was time to go to bed, I was done. However, because I know it helps Hunter, we played trucks, I read him 2 books, laid down with him for 15 minutes, then left the room. When I left the room, I was certain he would go to sleep, because I knew just how tired he was. His mind/brain had a different agenda. I hadn't been upstairs for 5 minutes when he was throwing cars, trucks, tools at his door. I stop cleaning the kitchen, go downstairs, let him know throwing his toys is unacceptable and if he doesn't quit, he will loose his cars. I proceed to put him back in bed, he tells me he needs to go potty. We come upstairs so he can go potty, even though I know its a ploy to get out of his room, something we do constantly. I get him back down to his room, tuck him in...snug as a bug in a rug...turn his light out, give him a good TIGHT hug, kisses and tell him I love him. I shut the door, and walk back upstairs. I was back in the kitchen and it starts all over again. By this time, my patience is completely gone, however, I try to keep my cool. I remove his cars from his room, tell him next time his tools go. I tuck him in, do our little snug as a bug in a rug thing, turn his light out, give him a good TIGHT hug, kisses and tell him I love him. This time, I'm not even to the stairs, when he starts throwing things at his door. I go back to his room, pick him up, sit down on his bed, and hold him tight. He is squirming, trying everything he can to get out of my grip. I tell him, as soon as he can stop squirming for 5 minutes, I will put him back in bed. By this time, I have had everything I can have. I am done. I let him know, he needs to go to sleep, or he will lose all of his toys. After turning the light out, coming upstairs, he started in again, except he was kicking his door. I was done. I walked outside for a few minutes to get some fresh air and try to calm myself down. I came inside, heard him kicking the door and screaming. The tears started to roll. I couldn't handle any more for the night. I walked downstairs, told Hunter, enough is enough. He needs to go to bed...all the while, I am crying and he can see it.
I have NEVER let my kids see my emotions...something I told myself I would never do, because I don't want my kids to think I am weak...not sure why I have a few of them seeing that, but I do. So imagine how, not only upset I am that I can't get my son to go to sleep, but the fact that I let my son see my emotions. I was in the middle of my very own melt down. After fighting with Hunter for over an hour to go to sleep, to quit throwing things at his door, taking his beloved toys away, I gave up trying. Probably not the best thing to do, but I didn't know what else to do. As he was in his room crying, I went back outside and cried myself. I felt like a complete failure. I felt like I was failing as a mother to my son.
Incidents like this, I feel completely alone in dealing with Hunter and his PDD, ADHD and SID. I KNOW with every part of my being, he was acting the way he was because his mind/brain doesn't function like most kids. But, at the same time, I just couldn't understand why MY son was the one chosen to have to go through these things. Why? When I am frustrated, I can usually call my Mom and ask her, as she raised 2 kids with ADHD. She always gives me the same response, and I know with every part of my being that she is right. I always ask her why couldn't Melanie or Ginger (my sisters) have been chosen, why did it have to be me? Her response is always, "Because Melanie and Ginger couldn't handle it.". She isn't saying that to degrade my sisters in any way. I asked her to clarify what she meant. Melanie works full-time, therefore she has limited time to spend with her "little man". And Ginger...there is just NO WAY she could handle it. For those who know Ginger, you will know why my Mom told me this. My Mom's response is so true.
I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not saying I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes...most times, I do this all by myself, as Zane is working at the jail and farming, since it's farming season. He is NEVER home to help me, so yes, I DO DO THIS ALL BY MYSELF...hence the reason I feel completely alone in dealing with it. I have done NOTHING but FIGHT to get my son the help he needs. It was a HUGE FIGHT to get him on the Ritalin that he so desperately needs. Now, I have to FIGHT to get him an OT to help with his SID issues, to teach him to focus his energy on things other than throwing, kicking and screaming. And, yet again, I am doing this FIGHT all by myself.
Last night, as I was struggling with my emotions, after Hunter finally went to sleep; still in tears, still beating myself for showing my emotions to my son, I went on Facebook and did a search for Autism, as his diagnosis of PDD is, in fact an Autism Spectrum Disorder. I came across such a WONDERFUL group of mother's like me. I let my emotions out on this forum. And the response I have received has been so incredible. I felt so alone last night. Until I started reading the responses from complete strangers, mothers who are going through the same things I am going through. It was absolutely wonderful to see and read how so many mothers are going through this same fight. They offered so many great and wonderful words of advice, comfort and strength. All being things I need to see/read/hear.
Sometimes, Facebook is a good way to connect with other people. I have looked and looked and looked for support groups in Utah...EVERYWHERE, and I have yet to find one. This group of Mother's I found on Facebook, has given me a new ounce of hope. A new look and different perspective in this fight for my sweet Hunter. I'm NOT going to give up this fight. I WILL FIGHT for EVERYTHING for my son. I will STOP AT NOTHING so he can get the help he needs. If I can't find an OT down here, and I have to go up to the University of Utah or Primary Children's Medical Center to get him an OT, I WILL. I WILL give up EVERYTHING I have, for my son. He IS my light, my world, my joy...he is MY SON...and I LOVE him more than this world will EVER know!!!
3 comments:
I know how you feel, I have a son that is much the same as your Hunter. I have been thru your same struggles. My son is now 10 and I will tell you, it gets easier. But I would not want to go back to those earlier years. I used Melatonin to help my son unwind at night and go to sleep. It was a big help, we used the little tablets that dissolve on the tongue. Now that he is ten we no longer used them everynight but occasionally when he is going to have trouble I will give hime one. It is just enough to help them settle down with out feeling like you are drugging them up.
I'm sorry, Heather! While I don't understand exactly what you're going through with Hunter's special needs, I do know the struggles of feeling all alone and being frustrated with what you've been dealt. I believe we are blessed with the children we are given because we are the perfect fit for them as a parent. No one else could love them or take care of them better than you, their own parents. I'm glad you've found people you can relate to and can help support you through life's challenging times. But I just wanted to let you know that it's perfectly fine for your kids to see you cry... I think they need to see you cry every once in awhile. They need to know that you're not perfect and that you too feel frustration, sorrow, and joy through tears. My girls have both seen me shed my fair share of tears for MANY different reasons. And I'm 100% positive they don't think me any weaker or less of a good parent for doing so. :)
I read this when you posted it, but I see I didn't comment! It's really hard to be judged for things that other people will never be able to understand (lucky them, right?) I'm so glad you have been able to find others online. FB connections with people in my similar situation have been my saving grace!! Yay for technology! Hunter is a beautiful and darling child with the perfect mother for him. You are so blessed to have each other.
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