Just Some Words...

On December 31, 2012, a dear friend of mine was preparing her relief society lesson and asked the following questions to her Facebook friends:

If you could give advice to your 21 year old self, what would it be?  Also, what important lesson have you learned this year.  Take some time and really think about this....

I had this amazing feeling come over me when I read that.  I knew I had to respond.  It took me a few days to gather my thoughts, but I decided I was going to answer the 2nd question.  I figured with everything I have learned this last year, I knew I could answer the question.

My answer:

When I found out I was pregnant with Cooper, I was completely overjoyed!  I started having dreams about what I wanted for this sweet spirit that was growing inside of me.  Typical new mother emotions.  Then we found out we were having a boy.  Overjoyed again.  My dreams got even bigger because I knew what I was dreaming for.  I knew what I wanted for my son.  I dreamed of him being an amazing basketball player, bookworm, street smart, book smart, friendly, future missionary, temple sealing, etc.  Then came that awful, horrible ultrasound...it was only awful, horrible at the time because of the situation.  Sitting in the doctors office, hearing those words that no parent wants to hear, "...your baby has a genetic abnormality...".  Of course, hearing that, your emotions hit an all-time low.  Your heart sinks.  Your eyes sting with tears.  You can't talk.  You stare at the doctor blankly, and nod at what he is saying, but not hearing anything.  2 days later, you give birth to the most beautiful, handsome, absolutely perfect in every way baby boy.  Almost 3 months later you are sitting in the doctors office again, waiting to hear the results of the 2 genetics tests your baby had.

To what I learned....When we find out we are pregnant, we can't help but have  dreams for the little life Heavenly Father has entrusted in our care.  What we tend to forget, because we get caught up in the moment, even though we have these great dreams, our Heavenly Father has his own dreams or needs for this sweet little spirit, that are completely out of our control.  Because more often than not, we let our emotions take over, instead of looking at the bigger picture, He has ALWAYS had His own dreams/needs for this little spirit.  Although your dreams for you baby has been altered, you realize he most likely will not be that amazing basketball player, or football player, he is still going to be an AMAZING individual.  He will be his own person.  He will be exactly as Heavenly Father planned for him to be.  And no matter what his limitations may be, you will still love him unconditionally.  You will still encourage him to be the very best he can be.  You will encourage other sports that will be easier for him.  You will do EVERYTHING you would have done for this child you dreamed of, you will just do it in a different way.  A way that is more fitting to his situation.

After re-reading what I had wrote, I sat and thought for several minutes.  I kind of felt like my answer was all over the place.  So, to give her a better idea of the lesson I learned, I encouraged her to Google Welcome to Holland,  by Emily Perl Kingsley.  It is so perfect to how I feel.  To one of the most important lessons I learned last year.

My sweet friend sent me a message a little later in the week and told me she had used my experience in her lesson.  To say I was honored, is an understatement.  My dear friend has been through some pretty rough challenges this last year, some that NO parent should have to experience.  After she told me that my experience helped her see the "bigger picture".  Regardless of the dreams we have for our children, Heavenly Father's dreams are the ones that "stick", the ones that really matter.

I will admit, I didn't always feel this way.  When I found out something was wrong with Cooper, I was so angry.  I couldn't understand why Heavenly Father keeps choosing ME to raise children with disabilities and/or challenges.  I couldn't figure out why He had more faith in me, than what I have in myself.  I was angry.  I yelled.  I cried.  I called my Mom and asked her.  I prayed.  And, I cried some more.  Now, 7.5 months later, I am not angry any more.  I am so grateful He chose ME to be Hunter, Paizlei and Cooper's Mommy.  Through all their challenges, I am learning so much.  I am learning about me.  I am learning I'm strong.  I will fight for what is right for my children.  I will love them unconditionally.  I do have more faith in myself than I originally thought.  I am SO, BEYOND GRATEFUL, BEYOND HONORED, that He chose me.  ME!  To be their mother.